The Big Day.

Well, today my ex-husband gets married. Before this cathartic, negative, gut-wrenching post i will preface with this. I hope he has found happiness. I hope he is building a FAMILY. And I hope, especially for my kids' sake, that it will flourish and last forever. Honest to God, I am HAPPY for him, and I truly wish them all the love in the world.

In direct opposition to that- I hate him. He is fake, and shallow, and cruel. I gave him 11 years of my life. I wasnt in love with him for much of that. I had a tremendous amount of love for him and love and commitment to the family we were building. I wanted to be in love with him. I wanted to love the person he was. the more i knew him, the more i loathed him. His "stability" became an obsession with money and work. His "calmness" became a cold in-human-ness. I thought he wanted to grow a family together, but really all he wanted was to acquire a family. Piece together a family like you would a garage. Cabinets, check. Tools, check. Workbench, check. Floor mats, check. I wanted a garden, he wanted mass-produced farming. But i had already committed. I had made two babies with this man. i tried over and over for YEARS to help him see what adding love and depth could add. I tried to be like him. I tired everything in the world to make it work anyways- even though we so clearly wanted different things.

I felt so guilty that i wasnt in love. So guilty that i wasnt sexually interested. So guilty that i had started something i couldnt finish. He knew what i wanted. He knew i wanted a garden. He pretended he wanted it too. I felt tricked and misled. I think he did want it. I think it sounded "Dreamy" my idea of this love-based deeply connected family and home. But he realized he didn't have it in him, or maybe he just got swept up in his corporate dream. But even until the last month, he swore he was "trying" He swore he was "committed"

But he wasn't. He wanted out. He starved me of love and connection either purposefully or not. He pacified me with drugs. he pacified me with kids. he pacified me with things and money and houses. He even tried to pacify me with love and passion- even though it wasn't his. Thing after thing he ordered to acquire his garage. Kids. Houses. Clothes. Cars. Jewelry. STEVE. "I like the way you light up when he's around." "I get to experience the magic and don't have to do anything." Day after day i told him my feelings for steve were growing, and that i WISHED they weren't, that i WISHED he and i could spend the time together growing our magic! Instead he bought more alcohol, more weed, and had steve over more and more. He started putting on porn. Then he started putting on porn and going to bed leaving us alone. As much as i was developing feelings for steve, i felt deeply wounded that my own husband was throwing me out. Every time he distracted me instead of listening and connecting i felt abandoned. i felt discarded. i felt worthless.

I knew there was a better life out there. I knew there was this "love" i dreamed of. This love he commonly referred to as "not real" "only in movies" He loved to make me feel like i was insane. I'm emotional, and deep, and sensitive... but i am not insane. I imagine i must seem insane to him, because he has never deeply felt anything.

But how could i abandon my family? My marriage? I made that promise to Aaron. To our kids. To our families. I wanted to keep up my end of the deal. It became increasingly obvious that Aaron could never grow our family with me, that he was uninterested in growing our family, or our relationship. I was dying inside. I was starving for affection. I was starving for love. I was starving for attention. He knew. He just didn't care. I had to get out and get it for myself. And thats fine. Except i couldnt bare the thought of hurting him. Of hurting our kids. Or even our families. i beat myself up for years for that. And for the last 12 months i was so discusted and disappointed in myself for that i almost took my own life. I almost killed myself so I wouldn't hurt him. So i wouldn't betray our family. Or our children. now, that is insanity. When i made a plan of how i would kill myself, something broke open inside of me. For the first time i saw myself with love. I saw how hard i was trying. How starved and neglected i was. How misled I'd been. I chose me. I realized i could have a family, a deeply loving REAL connected family.

I'm mad at him for leaving so easily. I tormented myself for years. Im mad at me for doing that to myself. Im mad at him for the empty worthless promises he made me. Im mad at him for starting a marriage and a family he didn't even want to grow. We're not objects to acquire! We're people!! It's like planting a garden and not watering it, and walking away while it dies. "Poor me, my garden died :( i need a new garden! yay! new garden! :)" How could he walk away without a second look. How could he throw us away?? How could i still not forgive myself?? i made my bed, now i can lie in it! NO! He made it.

He made himself look really good and me look really bad- and yet got what he always wanted. He wasn't living his truth. He wasn't authentic. He was the good guy though, and he got all the support and pity. Mean old Jackie broke up the family. He chose himself over us everyday for the last 11 years. I hope he's happy with that! i hope he knows what a piece of shit he is! his kids will know someday if they dont now. i thought he'd be a great dad. i thought we'd be a great family, but i was wrong- cause at the end of the day aaron cares about aaron. aaron likes to acquire people and love- not tend people and love. i hate it. it enrages me. it makes me sick inside. but im powerless. it is what it is. im sorry i picked him. im sorry i married him. and if i could do it all over again i wouldnt. i wouldnt give up Jamie and Kylie, who i love with ALL my heart, but i wouldnt have given him my life. i wouldnt have given him 11 years. i feel robbed. and i feel violated. and i feel used. and i didnt even get to heal by having him leave me. he made me do that too, the guilt outweighed the pain and dramatically impeded my healing. i had to be strong. i had to rebuild my life. i had to be the only one to help the kids through it. he skipped around and drank and played and found liz. and *poof* aarons happy cause he acquired a new family. Fuck that. Congratulations.

i struggle to grow a garden. he imports one he bought online. hopefully this one is drought-resistant and self-watering. soooo fucking hard to swallow.

5.27.09

The pain, the hurt and the emptiness, gnaw at my heart like rabid dobermans on a sick house cat. I can only run so fast, sing so loud and hide so long, then it finds me. It always finds me.

Then i panic, fearing it will consume me. Fearing I wont make it through. I never had someone to catch me, someone to ensure that everything will be ok, therefor i never learned how to be that person for myself! At different points in my life I stuffed these feeling down with various coping mechanisms.

Food, overeating, desserts in particular- falsely and only momentarily tricking my brain into feeling elated and satisfied. There was also shopping, which gave me the same rush- the same temporary distraction from the despair that threatened to destroy me. Then I found weed, and i could instantly forget my woes, and giggle eat and pass out, only to repeat it all again the next day.

All of these "tools" are short lived though- the only help for a few hours and they leave you worse off the next day. They also lose their effectiveness and I'm left searching- for something stronger to fill the void.

In the moment i forget my strength. I forget my positivity and my hope and my resolve. I lose sight of my heart and my light. I need to practice succumbing to the fear- to the disappointment to the boredom. I need to sob when my heart needs to sob, and sleep when my body needs to sleep. I need to embrace the pieces of me that Ive been to terrified to show. "Knowing" if anyone found out i wasn't perfect they wouldn't love me. The pressure of that is enough to turn carbon to diamonds and then diamonds to something else entirely- perhaps stars!

I am who I am. And regardless I deserve love. I am emotional. I am electric. I smile bright and hurt deep. I embrace and experience the rapture in life as well as the despair. My heart is open and loves freely, and breaks often. I nurture and need to be nurtured. I need to touch and be touched. I need to be able to express my love and joy- as well as my pain and fear... and I need the reassurance of those close to me. I need to hear that they love me, as well as feel that they love me.

Next time i feel the hurt and the pain- i need to curl up and cry. I need to hold myself, like that tiny helpless child who needed to be held. Or have you hold me, and just be there until i pull through. I need to know its ok to be me, and its ok to feel my pain. When felt and acknowledged the pain will be free to go- but when denied and suppressed it lingers to fester.

communication

La La La La La..... relationships.

hard effing work.... but as i am learning more everyday...so so soooooo worth it.

Just telling my love tonight... when i have things on my heart that i need to discuss.... tensions.... concerns...whatnot.... i fear speaking them. thery are my truths, my vulnerabiities... my most sacred places. I am terrified i will reveal myself with all of my needs and insecurities and he will flee faster than a whore from church. But then I muster up the courage. mostly because i let it simmer until i am sure i will lose my mind. unil every other option, besides telling him, is no longer feasible. Until i'd rather him leave me high and dry than live another moment in my frustration.

I open up.... sometimes it goes more smoothly than others, but i do it. I do it through the hurt. I do it through the fear. And he is there to catch me. There to at least listen even if he doesnt agree. And everytime, we talk it through. He listens to and respects my side- and I in turn listen to and respect his. We reconnect. We see eachother in purity, in respect and in love. Our bonds strengthens and I feel renewed, seen, accepted and supported. It is scary.... but it is soooo worth it.

Hopefully I can practice not waiting so long. Not driving myself insane so i HAVE to tell him. Practice trusting he will be there for me when i need him, because he has proven he will be.

As A Start To A Book...

or at least a damn good story of the last convoluted year of my life.