5.27.09

The pain, the hurt and the emptiness, gnaw at my heart like rabid dobermans on a sick house cat. I can only run so fast, sing so loud and hide so long, then it finds me. It always finds me.

Then i panic, fearing it will consume me. Fearing I wont make it through. I never had someone to catch me, someone to ensure that everything will be ok, therefor i never learned how to be that person for myself! At different points in my life I stuffed these feeling down with various coping mechanisms.

Food, overeating, desserts in particular- falsely and only momentarily tricking my brain into feeling elated and satisfied. There was also shopping, which gave me the same rush- the same temporary distraction from the despair that threatened to destroy me. Then I found weed, and i could instantly forget my woes, and giggle eat and pass out, only to repeat it all again the next day.

All of these "tools" are short lived though- the only help for a few hours and they leave you worse off the next day. They also lose their effectiveness and I'm left searching- for something stronger to fill the void.

In the moment i forget my strength. I forget my positivity and my hope and my resolve. I lose sight of my heart and my light. I need to practice succumbing to the fear- to the disappointment to the boredom. I need to sob when my heart needs to sob, and sleep when my body needs to sleep. I need to embrace the pieces of me that Ive been to terrified to show. "Knowing" if anyone found out i wasn't perfect they wouldn't love me. The pressure of that is enough to turn carbon to diamonds and then diamonds to something else entirely- perhaps stars!

I am who I am. And regardless I deserve love. I am emotional. I am electric. I smile bright and hurt deep. I embrace and experience the rapture in life as well as the despair. My heart is open and loves freely, and breaks often. I nurture and need to be nurtured. I need to touch and be touched. I need to be able to express my love and joy- as well as my pain and fear... and I need the reassurance of those close to me. I need to hear that they love me, as well as feel that they love me.

Next time i feel the hurt and the pain- i need to curl up and cry. I need to hold myself, like that tiny helpless child who needed to be held. Or have you hold me, and just be there until i pull through. I need to know its ok to be me, and its ok to feel my pain. When felt and acknowledged the pain will be free to go- but when denied and suppressed it lingers to fester.